On Feeling Bedraggled

I realize that I have been quite negligent with my blogs lately. It is a fact that bothers me quite a bit, especially considering the recent stretches where I was quite productive. Perhaps it was because I had more time. The month of February is a monster that I have still not yet tamed. In fact, thus far it has done a pretty good job of tossing me around like a chew toy. I am so very drained, and I feel like in every aspect of life I am just trying to catch up. I keep having to remind myself to rely on Jesus. He will pull me through whether I can see the possibility or not. I trust him.
As a side note, if anyone who reads this ever contemplates being both set designer and assistant stage manager for the same show, I would strongly caution you against it. You do not want that kind of stress in your life.
On the up side. If I make it through this week, then I have made it to Spring Break, that glorious time of year for which students across the world desperately hope. To sleep, to write, to see LA. Yes, that's right. My Spring Break plans now include a trip to sunny California, and I shall finally see the ocean.
The ocean.
I cannot wait.

On the Future

Desperation

Where are you, God?
Where are you?
Are you here?
Yes.
I'm sure of it
So close
you're near
I'll find you yet
I will
I'll find you
here
On these pages
Through these words
Within these verses
Where are you?
I'm striving
Striving to reach you
I need
To lay my hands upon you
Just a touch
Let my finger graze your skin
your robe
Even that
And I will be made whole
I'm writing
With a desperation
Hoping
Frantically hoping
That I will find you in these lines
That it will all somehow make sense
Somehow
I'm stepping Out
Not sure
Where my foot will land
If my foot will land
Or sink
Down
Down
Into the deep
But you're here
Calling
Striving
Stretching out your hand
To mine
And you're calling me
To follow
So I write
Not knowing
where my words will land
If my words will land
Or sink
And drag me
Down
Down
In the dark
But I need you
Need you
I need you so desperately
So I will play the fool
Just to get to you
The pages
Will pile up around me
No matter what
I'll write
I will write
Because you are so close
So very close
And my need is stronger
Than this paltry wall
So I dig
Through the roof
Digging down
Down
Because you're on the other side
So near
And you're waiting there
For me
If only
I could break
Through
Then this would all make sense
I'm sure of it
For you'll be there
It will all make sense
I'll find you
I need to
I need
Faith
For I'm still in the fog
I believe
Lord, help my unbelief
You gave me a pen
And told me to find you
So I will
I'll write until it all makes sense
I'll write until I find you
You
I'll know you
And my words
Will speak
Your name
Your name like food
To fill the soul
O Lord
I need you, Lord
Desperately
So I'll write
I'll write until I find you
Till you are in the words
God
Come
Please
I need you

I wrote this poem in church on Sunday. I always like the poems I end up writing during sermons. They do not always reflect what the speaker was discussing, but they usually turn out good nonetheless.
This particular poem sums up a lot of what God has been doing in my life of late. I don't know if it all comes across to someone who is not me, but this really describes where I am. Generally speaking, I try to avoid looking too far into the future. Sometimes this can be an annoyance to those in my life who want me to make plans, and when it is necessary, I do look to the future, but usually it just causes worry, something I do not want in my life at all. It just so happens that lately, my future, specifically what I am going to do after graduation, has become a recurring question in my life. I did not necessarily see the pattern until my roommate posed the question yesterday. We were talking about a drawing project on which I was working, and he just asked me, "What is it you actually want to do? You write, you act, you design sets, you draw comic art...what do you want to do?"
I do not know.
The easy answer is that I want to write. Most of the time that is what I tell people, especially those who are only casually interested. However, when those close to me ask something, I usually give it a more careful inspection. In this instance, I was shocked out how unsure I actually was. Yes. I still want to write, but I will be doing that no matter what my occupation is. But just what sort of career do I actually hope to pursue?
I do not know.
Unlike so many students who come to college with no idea what they want to study and then gradually figure it out as they find themselves, I fall into the category of those who come to college knowing exactly what I want to do, and have since just gotten more and more confused. Most of this stems from my theatrical involvements. I love the theatre, and I have already given so much of myself to it that it would almost seem a travesty to give up those pursuits once I graduated. I am still not even a theatre major, but I might as well be. I act enough like it anyway.
Fortunately, ever since this summer God has been encouraging me in this area. I forget every now and then, but he is faithful to remind me that I am in his hands. God has reassured me that I will be able to use my writing to serve him and to reach people, even though right now I don't know how. So that is largely what this poem is about. I shall keep writing, creating, and keep pursuing God, and surely the two will converge, and then I will understand God's leading. Then it will all make sense.