On More Reflection

I'm not entirely sure where this post is going, but I felt like my previous post needed some kind of follow up, so here it is.

Last week, I was talking with a friend who mentioned how I am good at a lot of things. I tried to downplay it and change the subject, which led to a discussion on why I struggle taking compliments. I didn't really know. I always have. This led to some reflection, which led to my last post.

When I was in elementary and junior high, I was one of the smartest kids in my class. Eventually, I gained the nickname, "Genius" and came to be sort of set apart from my classmates. Granted, there are worse nicknames out there. Many people have told me that. But pejorative name-calling is pejorative no matter what the monicker. And furthermore, feeling like you don't fit in with your peers is difficult for any adolescent, no matter what the cause for the isolation. I was the nerdy kid. I was too smart. Even when I changed schools freshman year, I got labelled a smart kid. Is this why I avoid praise? So that I feel like I don't stand out? So I will fit in with everyone else?

Another thing that has always bothered me, is that I have never felt worthy of the praise I get. This has been especially true of any time I was called a genius. I am not a genius. That is just a matter of fact. If people called me stupid, that would be mean, but at least I would be fairly confident in knowing it wasn't true. But this is where I begin to wonder if I have self-esteem issues. I don't feel like I deserve a lot of the praise I get. This is most often the case in the areas about which I care the most or about which I am the most passionate. A lot of the time, I just attribute this to an artistic temperament of always noticing the flaws in my work and being my own worse critic. Sometimes, however, I think it is more than that.

I call it humility. Is it self-depracation? One thing I have learned well in the last few years is that I am much too hard on myself. I weigh myself down with guilt, I agonize over how my decisions affect others, and I so often look for flaws in myself that I can eradicate. Even now, as I examine my self-esteem, I am viewing it as yet another flaw to eradicate.

Sometimes, and I think now is one of those times, I forget the promises of God. I forget that whether my surface attributes and accomplishments are praised or put down or worthy of any of it, what matters is that I am created in the image of God.

He delights in me.

A dear friend of mine told me that once, and the Spirit of truth overwhelmed me so much in that moment that I wept--and I am not prone to tears. How could I forget that?

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. I know that full well.



As a bonus to this post, here is a link to a song that has very much been on my heart lately. And a special thanks to the friends responsible for introducing me to it.