In the months of looking forward to studying at Oxford, I naturally expected that it would challenge me more academically than I have ever been challenged before. So, I don't know why I was so surprised to find myself feeling somewhat insufficient.
For one thing, owing to my broad interests and the broad style of the liberal arts education to which I am accustomed, I have developed fairly good skills and fairly good understanding in many areas, but I have mastered none. Now I am here in an extremely focused program that emphasizes particularization of study. Basically, Oxford expects a broad understanding of a narrow focus rather than the narrow understanding of the breadth of foci I have developed. That has been a challenging adjustment.
Then there are the tutorials. Most of my time here is spent reading. I have to read at least one volume every week for my Victorian Lit. tutorial. Most of these have been hefty Victorian novels, though the last couple of weeks have been poetry, which has been quite rewarding. When I'm not reading such primary texts, I am reading secondary sources, critical books and essays. There are some days where I will spend several hours in multiple libraries pouring over books. By the time I finish all of these, it is time to write an essay. I write 1,500 words a week, at a minimum. That's not a terrible lot of words, but when it has to be packed full of critical analysis, it gets daunting.
After all this work, I come out with what I consider to be a solid and well-reasoned understanding of the assigned material only to arrive at my tutorial and have the tutor ask me a question that I had not even considered. Suddenly, the essay I just turned in feels insufficient to me. It was not thorough enough--my argument will not hold up--I could have done better. This happens pretty much weekly, and it got pretty discouraging after a while. It took until after my most recent round of tutorials this week for me to realize that this is what is supposed to happen. That is what the tutors are for. If all they did was tell me everything I had figured out for myself, what good would they serve? I felt very foolish at this point.
However, even more discouraging than this, I have been feeling insufficient in my art. It is amazing how simply being exposed to a new writer or a fresh perspective can completely shatter a conception of good writing. In my readings, in my lectures, and by recommendations of some friends I have made here, I have come across some truly fantastic poetry that has made me completely reassess my standards of poetry. This has been furthered by reading some of the poetry written by these friends. It is better than mine. If nothing else, it is good in a way completely different from what I normally write, and it has made me see how I have limited myself in style, method, and perspective.
It was good to learn.
All of this has made me sound rather prideful. Perhaps I have been. Perhaps I have been happy with what I had and forgot what I lacked. Why did I ever let myself get so complacent in my efforts?
On a happier note: I'm going to Wales in three weeks.
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